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02 May 2008 @ 10:11 pm
House fic; House/Thirteen-ish. PG-13.  
Title: One Question to Rule Them All.
Rating: PG-13.
Pairing: Genish lead up to possible House/13.
Word Count: 2,589.
Summary: Thirteen gets one question in the entire world to ask Greg House. Let the games begin.
Beta?: None, as usual. You guys can beta if you wish.
Note: Thirteen's name comes from here.. This is known in some circles as the canon name for now.

"Would a patient who was bleeding out of the nose, eyes, ears, and mouth spontaneously interest House, or would I just be wasting time?”

The ER of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital was oddly quiet, but then again Tuesday midmornings were not the time when most children fell out of trees or adults decided to staple themselves whilst DIY-ing. Dr. Cameron pushed her hair behind her ear and looked down at Taub (and not just physically).

“Taub, you’ve been here for almost a year. Do you think it would interest House?”

“Not in a normal case, but this girl is exceptionally hot. Great tits, nice eyes, you know. I thought House wouldn’t mind the eye candy while berating her for an obvious PCP addiction or whatever else he could pull out of his ass.”

Cameron smirked, initialing a chart and turning back to the other doctor.

“Then go for it. Better yet, is she single? Because then he wouldn’t have to deal with some significant other.”

“I think she swings the other way, you know?”

“Then why come to me in the first place, Taub? I’m busy.”

“21 year old female, Caucasian, 5’6” and 125 pounds, presenting with intense bleeding from the nose, eyes, ears, and mouth in that order. Differential Diagnosis, people.”

House took very warmly to the case, especially after hearing ‘definitely natural Double D’s’ from his plastic surgeon fellow. He was pretty sure he knew what the hell was going on, but he knew it could be fine enough for him to reach the ‘necessary to visit the patient stage, since my incompetent employees can’t figure it out’ stage.

“Any history of blood disorders: anemia, hemophilia, clotting, or unusual hemorrhaging?” House took 10 points from Kutner, for asking the simple question. It had to be done, though.

“How heavy was the blood flow? Did she pass out from the blood loss? Still bleeding? I’m guessing she needed a transfusion, so what type is she? You’re being unusually vague, even for you House. Something’s up.”

That was more like it. Trust Thirteen to need more information. The girl was like an imperialist nation; lots of taking and hardly any giving. Didn’t her mother ever teach her to share?

“Did in fact pass out, from dizziness resulting from the, oh I don’t know, LARGE AMOUNT OF BLOOD LOSS! Type O negative, and the bleeding has finally stopped after about an hour. What more do you want from me, Thirteen? I’m a very sensitive person in the mornings.”

“AVM, if the bleeding is coming from the head, than most likely cerebral, but not exclusively. It could be a simple aneurysm, though nothing is ever that simple here. Von Willebrand fits too, but we’d need a family history.”

“Sooooo, I guess that means we can just sit down and relax for the rest of the day? MOVE, people move!”

The fellows scattered out, and Wilson tip toed in.

“Sounds like a happy campfire song between friends. What are you up to tonight? Amber is out of town, and I am in dire need of an excuse to get out of playing Bridge with my mother. And of course, how could I deny your glorious presence?”

“I knew you’d come back for more. I’ll definitely be free tonight. Thirteen will come in here, talking about normal platelet count and family history of bleeding disorders, Taub will suggest further tests, Kutner will say something vaguely insulting, and Thirteen will realize it is Glanzmann's thrombasthenia and treat it, and then ask the patient out for drinks and have hot lesbian sex.”

The right eyebrow of House’s companion rose slowly.

“So maybe the last part is my imagination, but it could happen.”

“I’ll pick you up at 6. We’ll eat somewhere with a great bar and go watch crappy Lifetime movies in the middle of the night.”

“Ah, just like your first divorce. Does ‘out of town’ mean ‘no longer allowed in Cut Throat Bitch’s happy town’?”

“I don’t feel like I can answer that now. I’m leaving.”

“Did she cheat on you? Meet someone new? Meet someone more like her? Just so you know I’m totally NOT FUCKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND.”

House was, in fact, not fucking Amber Volakis. Neither was Wilson or anyone at that moment.

The day had gone exactly as planned, with an obviously pleased Thirteen correctly diagnosing and treating Hot Boobie Patient (otherwise known as Catherine Rickard) for
Glanzmann’s. Wilson admitted to the painfully boring breakup with CTB.

“So, basically we just drifted apart and were too different anyway. She took all her stuff last night, and that was that. I feel free. I always feel free at the end of a relationship. I am a terrible, terrible person.”

“With a terrible, terrible taste in women, but that is beside the point here Jimmy. The definition of freedom is the end of a relationship. That, and porn, pizza, and palliate.”

“Oh, look at you and your fancy alliteration. That was a good catch by Thirteen today. Not many people without a limp, drug addiction, and stack of porn hidden in the kitchen cabinets could diagnose Glanzmann’s that fast. You must be rubbing off on her. The poor girl.”

“I know for a fact, or as close to one as possible, that she has at least one of those things. Not in the kitchen, but definitely somewhere. The linen closet, perhaps.”

“You dirty dog. Want to see who can recite the alphabet after 6 shots the fastest?”

Kutner always arrived at 8:45, looking weary and stoned. Taub was earlier, coffee clutched in hand and yawn plastered on his face. Thirteen was always prompt, awake, and smirking. House had no idea how she did it without caffeine. She must be from the same mutant planet as Wilson.

“Dr. House, do you want to engage in some friendly War while the others are in clinic?”

“Now, now. I think you are smart enough to know there is nothing ever friendly about war. Besides, I wouldn’t want to break the glass in this office. Cuddy would kill me if our bullets missed their targets.”

“I didn’t know that you were so violent with cards. Come on over, sit down. I’m bored, you’re bored, and Wilson isn’t. Bet you 20 bucks I can beat you before Taub comes back with a ‘special case’. 50 bucks it turns out to be an infection.”

“You are on. But I raise you one question that must be answered. If I lose, you ask. If you lose, I ask. Anything.”

“Of course you would raise like that. I accept. Although, I haven’t lost a game of War since middle school. And I play it all the time.”

“Well, France, meet your Germany.”

“So that is fifty dollars for me, and one answer from you.”

“Lucky try. So, Thirteen, what are you going to ask me? Was I hugged enough as a child? Do I ever feel guilty over being such an ass? Do I think you look pretty today?”

“Just because I’m an attractive female, doesn’t mean my name is Allison Cameron. My question is--”

Thirteen was cut off, with good timing, as she had no idea what to ask House. She smiled apologetically, and made her way out the door with a quick ‘to keep you on your toes’.

“Thirteen gets to ask you one question, any question in the entire world that you have to answer, and she can’t figure out what to ask? My goodness, that girl is an enigma.”

Wilson’s coffee was getting a bit cold because of the wind, but he didn’t care. House liked eating outside because Cuddy hated it.

“Oh, she’ll come up with something by the end of the day. And despite her protests that she is ‘totally not Dr. Cameron’, it will end up being something about my past or ‘do you need a hug?’”

“I think you are underestimating her. She really is a lot different than Cameron. She probably could surprise you with a question that seems simple, but turns into a huge unraveling of your psyche.”

“You wish. Then that would mean someone other than you would understand me. And it just doesn’t work that way, Jimbo.”

“Figure out your question yet?”

“No, Dr. House, I haven’t. Now move out of my way, because I have clinic work to do. Actually, don’t you have clinic work too? If not, you shouldn’t be hanging out around here, because someone just might page Dr. Cuddy. And that wasn’t my question.”

“I know, I know. Now, I have a professional question for you, Thirteen.”

“This wasn’t in the program, you know.”

“Just a basic question that a boss should be able to ask their employees. Now, what do you tell your patients to call you? Dr. Thirteen would be a bit out. Perhaps Dr. T? Nah, too A-Team.”

“Dr. Hadley, just like it says on my pin.”

“I’m just quivering with anticipation over what question you will ask me, Hadley.”

Thirteen cursed whatever friend of hers in medical school said to just ‘google that bitch’. Because, this action led to the wikipedia page for ‘question’, things like ‘what is your favorite color?’ and the ever popular ‘what are your thoughts on yaoi?’

Googling ‘questions you should ask your surly, annoying, unstable boss’ was just as helpful, as it seems the wise Google does not have a surly boss.

A ring from her telephone knocks Thirteen out of the revere of hers where she is seriously considering taking the anti-climatic route and asking him about his favorite color.

“So, Hadley. Feeling like you’re ready to ask a certain someone to the prom?”

“You aren’t going to trick me into asking you about how you obtained my number. I’m not Kutner.”

“Oh, why damn. I can’t believe you saw through that. Anyway, my dear Ms. H, I’m out to do something with someone.”

“Lovely. Take pictures if it gets naughty, House.”

“You don’t want to know?”

“Drinks with Wilson at that bar on Fuller with the waitress with the fantastic tits.”

“I’m so glad you think she’s sexy. We agree on something.”


Thirteen does think she’s sexy, but she was actually just quoting House. And he knows it. So the score settles at 0-0, and all she has come up with in that whole conversation is ‘have you ever played chubby monkey?’

She briefly thinks about bringing Kutner into this, but that would just end up with something along the lines of ‘HOW HAVEN’T YOU FIGURED OUT SOMETHING YET?’ or ‘Oo, ask him if he wants to do vodka shots with the hot tit chick at that bar on Fuller.’

Taub might be a better choice, but this is her question, with her rules, and she should have the opportunity to fulfill this chance.

“I’m thinking that a certain person in this room should fulfill their task by the end of the day or I see a big red ‘fired’ in their future. And not the gum, dude.”

Thirteen sighs. He won’t really fire her, but he will push her to the point where she wishes he just had. She isn’t going to let him have that kind of fun, not today and not on her terms.

“House calls you three idiots, but he actually likes you. Really, I mean it might be hard to tell but it is the truth.”

Wilson snuck up on her in the cafeteria and she couldn’t deny the oncologist at least one conversation. His wonky eye was peering into her soul, so it seemed.

“I know. He wouldn’t have kept me around after my fuck up, or Kutner after he fired him, or Taub…well, I know that. You don’t have to go explaining to me, Dr. Wilson.”

“I’m not questioning your intelligence…”


“…Remy, but I just want to help a bit. I know you a bit, not as much as I should from all the engrossing things House tells me about Kutner and Taub, but still. You have no idea what to ask because you don’t like questions. You don’t like guessing games and ‘let’s get to know each other’ talks. You observe others, and that’s how you learn. House observes, but it isn’t enough for his soap opera-raddled brain. He needs answers as soon as possible, while you can wait patiently for something to occur that opens your mind to the situation.”

“Like the fact that you and Amber broke up because you wouldn’t let her try some crazy dominatrix fucking thing?”

“Er, well, yes, like that.”

“I just don’t want to regret not being able to ask the perfect question; to unravel House without him noticing.”

“I do it all the time. It is easier than you think.”

“You know who she reminds me of? Stacy. Of course, she doesn’t have that same ability to spar, but she could definitely get up there one day.”

“I’ve told you before, Wilson. I think your mom is a MILF in theory, but I’m scared of your father too much to go after a piece of that.”

“That is not who I mean, and you know it. In fact, you probably muse over it all the time. This is probably a major reason why you chose her over Amber.”

“Other than the fact that Cut Throat Bitch is an evil little pixie? Besides, she’s missing something very Stacy in the core of things.”

“Like the ability to make you feeling something like love for another person?”

“I was thinking the ass, actually. She does not have Stacy’s ass.”

“Thirteen, wait up.”

Lisa Cuddy had looked in many places for the mysterious female fellow, and finally found her in the pediatric oncology ward, spending her break with the kids in the playroom. Really. What went on in this girl’s brain?

“Dr. Lady, the other lady wants to see you.” A particularly adorable little boy grabbed the younger woman’s sleeve.

“Oh, hello Dr. Cuddy. Walk with me?”

“Sure. Dr. Hadley, I would not expect to see you here.”

“I like to spend time with the kids. They remind me of my niece.” A tone that signified the end of that conversation.

“I heard that you get to ask House one question. I just wanted to-“

“Meaning no disrespect, ma’am, but I’m no Cole. I won’t ask him a Cuddy approved question for less clinic hours or immunity.”

“I was only going to say that you should aim for the kneecaps. Surprise him with something small, and then make your way past the façade.”

“Well, thank you for your advice. I’m sure it will be helpful.”

Cuddy waited, staring at her favorite of House’s fellows.

“Oh! Oh, thank you Dr. Cuddy!”

Lisa smirked. House would definitely not be expecting this.

Knock, knock on House’s door came around eight o’clock, just as he was settling down for some Dancing with the Stars.

“Oh, so it is you. You could have just called, my dear.”

“It is apart of the question.” Thirteen shifted her weight, bringing a bottle of the most amazing bourbon House had seen into view.

“Oh, and what would that question be?”

She had reached an epiphany. The only way to get past House’s walls would be to get past House’s door.

“May I come in and share some of this lovely drink with you?”

House had not been expecting that. Damn, she must have talked to Cuddy.
“Yes, yes you may. As long as you don’t mind a little dancing.”

“I’m tivoing it myself.”

The door closed.

PS: Check out the Female Character Drabble-a-thon. I wrote a couple drabbles (One Thirteen and one Cho Chang). So mosey over and participate, gals.
Mood: blahblah
Casey: house (13)casey_bee on May 3rd, 2008 07:18 pm (UTC)
Like it! Clever Thirteen. :D
Sarah Smile: handgroupjustspaz on May 4th, 2008 01:58 am (UTC)
Thank you. Isn't she? :D
I work, I function like i'm a girl.: Roseokelay on May 3rd, 2008 11:31 pm (UTC)
nice! well done!!!
very enjoyable
Sarah Smile: alfredo is ~love~!justspaz on May 4th, 2008 01:58 am (UTC)
Thank you very much! :D
amkf: OW-camerasisterruth on May 4th, 2008 02:20 pm (UTC)
This is very cute.
dr_remy_hadley on March 9th, 2010 09:05 pm (UTC)
that is such a cute story!
Sarah Smile: Thirteen!justspaz on March 10th, 2010 03:36 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!